Grief came in like a fog, thick and unyielding, making everything feel uncertain and impossible to navigate. Desperately trying to make sense of what happened, categorizing my overwhelming feelings and searching for logical answers to my seemingly endless questions. If I could just find a reason, maybe I could find a solution, and the pain would stop. I fought hard against what I was feeling – numbing it, burying it – terrified that if I allowed myself to feel the full weight of it, I might never come out the other side.

What a year it has been. Lessons on lessons, gifts and opportunities, big wins and painful losses. 2023 has certainly been a powerful year, quite possibly one of the most impactful of my life on many levels. I’m excited for new adventures and opportunities, and as much as I'm looking forward to what's ahead, I'm taking a much needed pause before blindly running ahead. Deep reflection and a bit of inventory. How am I different from last year? What have I learned? What have I achieved? What were my biggest wins? Greatest challenges? What am I grateful for? How am I feeling?

You feel it stirring. Black clouds loom on the horizon. There’s a storm coming, and you’ve got a decision to make. You know you can outrun it again. You’ve been running ahead of it your whole life. But this time feels different. This time, YOU feel different. What if this time, you stay? What if this time, instead of running, you lean into the storm? What if, this time, you kick off your shoes and dance in the rain? Put your face to the sky and feel the droplets wash over you. Feel it cleanse your soul. Feel the wind through your hair. Let it take your resistance, your fear, and your self-doubt. Let the storm take it all.

How do you know when dawn is approaching?  How do you know when it’s time to rise? How do you when that time is now? Is there some sort of cosmic alarm clock that goes off?  Does a reminder pop up on your phone? What does a wake-up call look like?  Mine was relatively subtle. It looked like a series of events, most of them involving alcohol and bad decisions.  Ultimately though, it was a voice, a quiet internal voice. My intuition, my deeper knowing, my core self. She speaks softly, and sometimes I need to step away from the outside noise to hear her, but she is always there and she always has something to say when I pay attention.

Without self-acceptance, self-Improvement is just noise. You can read all the books, go to all of the seminars, and listen to all the podcasts. But here’s the thing: It doesn’t matter how much self-improvement you do; if you’re walking around believing that you are damaged or somehow not enough, that belief will be at the root of everything you do. Read that again. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m a huge fan of self-improvement, and I highly recommend it. Seeking to be a better human is always a worthwhile endeavor. Our souls crave growth and new experiences. As humans, we’re hardwired to seek out the new and improved. (It’s how we’ve managed to evolve and survive) I’m a lifelong student, and I’m always excited to learn and expand, but the constant drive for improvement can have a dark side.

Thirty days ago I had just arrived in North Carolina and was in the midst of a major meltdown. My life felt upside down and I was in a free-fall. What the hell was I thinking coming up here, renting a house at the top of a damn mountain in the middle of no-where, and committing to a month of healing and creating? Seriously?? Clearly, I'm insane. Clearly, I've finally lost it. I wanted to run. Someplace, anyplace, far away from what I was feeling. Oh wait, these are my feelings, which means that anywhere I go, the feelings go too. Well shit, that’s not helpful at all. I guess I’m just going to have to sit here and face this. So yeah, I kind of put myself in a time out. And that’s where this story begins.

Have you ever had something happen in your life and it triggered such a major response that it left you sitting back and looking at yourself asking, WTF? Have my emotions been hijacked by aliens? Who took over the control panel in my mind? This is my experience when I get triggered, and it’s not pretty. Triggers are powerful and when provoked, can create an entire shit storm of reactions if we let them. Triggers are often messengers. They are a sign of something that we need to address. The trick is to figure out what that is. We are not a victim of our triggers or the feelings these triggers bring up. We can learn to choose how we want to react. We can heal these wounds and take back our power.

No matter how big your fear got, or how many times you told yourself, no, not now, you’re not ready, the dream just wouldn’t go away? Yeah? Me too. That is my dream of writing. I’ve been writing since childhood. It was how I processed emotions, expressed my feelings and channeled my creativity. As adulthood and life took over, I wrote less and less. Writing helped me to make sense of the madness that lived in my head. It allowed me the space to speak without judgement, create without limits and face my own truth honestly and openly. Being able to share my stories and insights to the page kept me sane. Today is a beginning, a real live birth of something I’ve wanted for a very long time. Thank you for showing up and sharing this journey with me!