Control is an illusion, certainty doesn't exist and other fun facts about life.
A little story about freaking out, letting go, and learning to fly.
Thirty days ago I had just arrived in North Carolina and was in the midst of a major meltdown. My life felt upside down and I was in a free-fall. What the hell was I thinking coming up here, renting a house at the top of a damn mountain in the middle of no-where, and committing to a month of healing and creating? Seriously?? Clearly, I'm insane. Clearly, I've finally lost it. I wanted to run. Someplace, anyplace, far away from what I was feeling. Oh wait, these are my feelings, which means that anywhere I go, the feelings go too. Well shit, that’s not helpful at all. I guess I’m just going to have to sit here and face this. So yeah, I kind of put myself in a time out. And that’s where this story begins.
Sometimes when things are falling in to place, it can look a lot like they’re falling apart. It can be hard to discern which one when you’re sitting in the middle of it, so keep moving. Looking back on it now, I can gently laugh at myself (with grace and love, of course!). A little distance and a big shift in perspective have allowed me to see that my breakdown was actually an awakening. Remember in the Wizard of Oz when they peeked behind the curtain and saw that the wizard was just a man. That’s how it feels when you realize that you are the one behind the curtain creating your own anxiety. That little bit of awareness changed everything. It allowed Dorothy to find her power within, where it had been all along. And that’s what has happened with me this month. I’ve had those kinds of shifts where your intuition lets out a giant sigh of relief and says, Holy shit, she finally gets it!! Hallelujah! Who knew that way up here on top of this mountain, seemingly running from everything, that I would find all that I was seeking. That I would find myself and that we would become best friends! Oh my, you’ve come a long way baby!
As I sit on the deck this morning, enjoying the dawn of another gorgeous day, I’m filled with overwhelming gratitude. Mornings here are my favorite. The only noise is the crickets and the rustling of the trees that surround me. Now and then, I get the faint buzzing from the hummingbirds who swoop in to say hello. Peace, contentment and pure joy. I find myself reflecting on how my morning views of the valley below are a reflection of my own journey. Some mornings the view is so clear that you can see for miles and miles. The valley and the surrounding mountain ranges are vibrant and alive in what looks to be a million shades of greens and blues. Other mornings, the clouds and fog settle in and seemingly engulf the house. I can barely see past the first line of trees. It feels like a gentle embrace, a soft protective cocoon. Each view providing its own medicine and magic but in very different ways.
Beauty in the clarity.
Mother Nature’s sweet embrace.
This month has been intense. Break down, rebuild, rinse, and repeat. Challenging outdated belief systems, releasing old stories about who I thought I was, and what I thought I wanted. At the same time, permitting myself to step fully into the magic and opportunities that I’m creating. Part of my master plan in coming up here was to gain some clarity around the book I’m writing. And while that process has shown up in a very different way than I thought it would, I see that through releasing what was no longer serving me, I’ve created a beautiful, open space for my creativity to flow freely. I’m excited to see how this all comes together. I’ve had the rather profound realization that the only thing standing between me, my desires, and the extraordinary life that I want is me. (shocking, I know!) And so, I got to work on picking me up and gently moving me out of my way.
The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it. —Michael Singer
Through therapy, I’ve learned that childhood trauma can create a deep need for certainty and safety and I was desperately trying to find both. If I could just plan, strategize, or control enough, I could create certainty and I would be able to relax. Control and certainty are illusions. Acknowledging this and recognizing it for what it was has been the key to changing my relationship to the behaviors around it. What do I mean by that? I mean that we don't always "get over" things that happen to us in life and we don't necessarily "heal" from them either. We don't need to. Everything that has happened to you in your life is a piece of the beautiful, divine goddess that you are today. It's by embracing, not disowning, all of your cherished pieces that you find peace and unconditional love for yourself. It’s your scars that make you unique and special, stop trying to cover them up.
Life is short and precious and it is ever-changing. The future is uncertain, and far from a guarantee. That is a truth that I am intimately familiar with. When we spend time ruminating the past or lost in anxiety about the future, we miss the beauty that surrounds us in the present. The present moment is where our entire life happens, so it kind of makes sense that this is where you want your focus to be. The practice of mindfulness connects us to the present moment, it roots us in the now. When we ground in the present moment, we are grounded in what is. We are not lost in suffering looking for what should be. Buddhism teaches that suffering is created in the gap between reality and what we think reality should be. Acceptance is the practice that releases you from that suffering. Acceptance can be a challenging concept because it sounds a lot like giving up. It’s not. Accepting what is does not mean that you stop reaching for what you want. It simply means that you accept where you are now. You’ll never get where you’re going if you don’t first understand where you’re starting from. One of the greatest gifts that this time in nature has given me is the re-connection to my spiritual practice. Yoga and meditation have allowed me to tap into spaces I had long forgotten about. I stopped running and I simply got quiet. And believe me, that was harder than it sounds. The resistance was strong, but ultimately, I was stronger. It was in my silence that I was finally able to hear my soul speak. She had a lot to say. Turns out, I had everything I needed inside of me all along. Who knew? I was able to accept that the more I tried to control what was not mine to control, the greater the anxiety and suffering I was creating for myself. So I made the choice to let that shit go! Breathe, surrender, repeat.
So here’s what I’m thinking about all of this. Set goals, work hard, and go after what you want. Chase your dreams, plan your days, your months, your life. This is all great stuff, but know that joy comes in the ability to stay flexible and appreciate the small successes along the way. It’s not just about chasing the outcome, it’s about the embracing the process. It’s about all of the amazing steps you take on the journey. Often, our greatest journeys start with a specific goal in mind, only to shift halfway there and end up at a completely different, but equally fabulous destination. This is why the key is in the appreciation of the journey and not a hyper-focus on the destination. Keep your eyes on the prize, but be willing to go around, over, under, or through depending on the changing circumstances. It’s inflexibility and feeling the need to cling to a certain picture or process that creates internal stress and suffering. If plan A doesn’t work, move to plan B, if that doesn’t work, just keep moving through the alphabet until you hit on something that does. You can plan all you want, and I highly recommend it, but always keep your options open. See opportunity in the chaos, find lessons in the failures and growth and expansion in the successes. Life will always challenge you, and there will be times when you are convinced you can’t overcome, but overcome you do. You get to the other side, and maybe you aren’t even sure how you got there, but you did.
If you suddenly feel very light, clear, and deeply at peace, that is an unmistakable sign that you have truly surrendered. —Eckhart Tolle
A few closing thoughts on what I’ve learned this month. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. And after you’re done surrendering, surrender some more. You get the picture. Release the death grip that you have on how you think things should be, and embrace what they are. Accept that you can’t always control your surroundings, and remember that you do have absolute veto power over your reactions and how easily you allow outside forces to disrupt your inner peace. Honor yourself for every step that you take toward your goals and your dreams. Bust your tail to achieve your greatest desires, but be flexible about how you get there. Celebrate yourself for showing up ready to do whatever is necessary. Have compassion for yourself on the days when you just aren’t feeling it. Laugh a lot and remember that this is supposed to be fun! And the absolute most important part, Love yourself!! Completely and unconditionally! You are amazing and beautiful!! You have unique gifts that no one else has. You are the only you that will ever be, own that and don’t try to be anyone else. Each day is an amazing journey of discovery, so stay open and curious. Have faith in your own wings and jump! It’s time to Fly!
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Drop your email below to be notified of upcoming events and releases! Thanks so much for stopping by! Peace, love, and big hugs!! ❤️❤️