Through Love and Loss: A Story of Surrender & Self-Discovery
Thirteen years ago today, I began a chapter I thought would last a lifetime, unaware of how fleeting and precious that chapter would ultimately be.
A Day of Joy and Promise
Our wedding took place at a vineyard in Sonoma, California. It was a classic Northern California day—clear blue skies, low 70s, and not a cloud in sight. I remember waking up, looking out over rows of grapevines and the mountains in the distance. I felt a deep sense of joy like everything around us was exactly where it was supposed to be.
The photo here is one of my favorites from that day: Andrew and I, laughing and half-dancing as we left the winery, hand in hand. It’s just us, the way we were—diving headfirst into the life we were building together, not overthinking it, just going for it. There’s something real in it, something that reminds me of the way we took on everything—together, fully in the moment, and ready for whatever came next.
A Life Built Together
By this point, Andrew and I had been together for 13 years and had done a lot of life side by side. We’d built businesses and taken risks, faced challenges and losses, navigated beginnings and endings, celebrated big wins, and fully acknowledged that neither of us had it figured out. But we were doing it anyway.
We had a joke between us that even if it all fell apart and we ended up in a cardboard box under a bridge, as long as we had each other, we’d be okay.
And I believed that.
I knew that I could do anything because no matter what happened in life, how big I succeeded or how terribly I failed, he was my safe space to come home to, and that made me fearless.
The Heartbreak of Loss
Fourteen months later, Andrew was gone. Diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor, he passed on January 28, 2013, leaving me to face the biggest challenge of my life without him.
Grief came in like a fog, thick and unyielding, making everything feel uncertain and impossible to navigate. Desperately trying to make sense of what happened, categorizing my overwhelming feelings, and searching for logical answers to my seemingly endless questions. If I could just find a reason, maybe I could find a solution, and the pain would stop. I fought hard against what I was feeling—numbing it, burying it—terrified that if I allowed myself to feel the full weight of it, I might never come out the other side.
Over time, I learned that healing isn’t logical, it doesn’t make sense and I couldn’t think my way out of the pain. It wasn’t until I stopped resisting the waves of grief and allowed myself to lean in and feel everything—the anger, the sadness, the pain—that I began to find moments of peace.
Healing wasn’t about controlling; it was about surrendering.
Navigating the Changing Currents of Life
The story of our life is like a river, constantly flowing and shifting course and it’s up to us to learn how to navigate the changing currents. Some days, the waters are calm, and we drift in peaceful ease. Other days, we’re riding wild waves, caught up in the thrill of adventure and the joy of discovery. And then there are days when the waters rise, and we feel as though we’re being pulled under, struggling just to keep our heads above the surface. We can’t see what lies around the bend any more than we can predict the next wave on the horizon.
But perhaps that’s the beauty of it—learning to let the current carry us, trusting we’ll find our way.
Surrender as a Way of Life
If grief taught me anything, it’s that life cannot be neatly categorized or controlled. I learned to surrender to the ebb and flow, trusting that even on the hardest days, there is something valuable in simply allowing life to unfold. You can’t avoid your life. It isn’t something you can escape or talk yourself out of; it’s meant to be lived, even when it’s hard. The only way through is through—not around, not under, not over, but right into the eye of the storm.
Entering 2024, I chose surrender as my guiding word, though I didn’t realize how challenging it would be. I found myself clinging to an outdated vision of who I thought I needed to be, reluctant to let go of the story I had told myself about success, identity, and love. I learned that surrender means creating space for something new, even when it feels uncertain. This year, I am learning to release that need for control and instead embrace the process of becoming, trusting that life has a way of leading us exactly where we need to be.
Surrendering isn’t easy, but it feels like the most honest way to live.
A Life Full of Love, Loss, and Everything in Between
I am grateful for a life where I get to love deeply and be loved in return. I am grateful to experience everything that comes with it—profound joy, deep grief, and everything in between. I have hurt others, and I have been hurt. I’ve had great adventures, laughed until my stomach ached, won and lost, and been really angry. It hasn’t always been pretty, but I’ve risen more times than I have fallen. In other words, I’m human.
Embracing the Fullness of Life
What I know to be true is that life is meant to be all of the above. We can’t allow ourselves to get stuck in one chapter of what is meant to be an epic novel with multiple plot twists, new storylines, and surprises we never saw coming.
Today, I see surrender not as a sign of weakness but as an act of courage and empowerment. By surrendering, I reclaim my power—not by trying to control life, but by choosing to show up fully in all of it, to live with my whole heart. Surrendering allows me to keep turning the pages, open to whatever plot twist lies ahead.
As I continue this journey, I trust that surrendering to life’s mystery will lead me to exactly where I need to go. I embrace this, I honor this, and I trust myself to show up as my best self in all of it. I am my own safe space, and no matter what, I’ve got my back.
May we all find the courage to embrace our stories, wherever they may lead. Thank you for spending this time with me; I hope you found a piece of yourself in my story.