“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.” —Lucille Ball

Without self-acceptance, self-Improvement is just noise. You can read all the books, go to all of the seminars, and listen to all the podcasts. But here’s the thing:  

It doesn’t matter how much self-improvement you do; if you’re walking around believing that you are damaged or somehow not enough, that belief will be at the root of everything you do.  

Read that again.  

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m a huge fan of self-improvement, and I highly recommend it. Seeking to be a better human is always a worthwhile endeavor. Our souls crave growth and new experiences. As humans, we’re hardwired to seek out the new and improved. (It’s how we’ve managed to evolve and survive) I’m a lifelong student, and I’m always excited to learn and expand, but the constant drive for improvement can have a dark side.

If you find yourself spending all of your time focused on the future you at the expense of the present you, it’s time to re-evaluate. When self-improvement becomes a tool that you use to distract yourself from yourself, it’s problematic.  When self-improvement becomes a means of disrespecting yourself, and self-love becomes something you feel you have to earn, it’s time for a heart to heart with your already magnificent self.

My own experience with this started about a year after my husband passed away. That loss dropped me to my knees, and it nearly destroyed me. The grief of losing the man that I loved so deeply was profound. On top of that, I was also grieving the loss of my identity and my future. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I remember sitting on the floor in my room one night and crying until I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore. I felt utterly lost, and I was terrified. I had been in a trance for almost a year, and I knew it was time to pick myself up.  I knew that the life I thought I was going to live was no longer an option, and it was time to start creating.  But first, I had to get better.

And this was how my journey on the self-improvement super-highway began. I devoured everything I could get my hands on. I went to the seminars, read the books, shouted the affirmations, created the morning routines, the vision boards, etc.  I tore myself apart and went about analyzing and identifying all of my weaknesses, all of the areas I needed to fix, and where I needed to be better. 

With every “fix,” there was always the next thing. I was endlessly analyzing myself to see what else I needed and was constantly moving from one thing to another. It was exhausting. A friend recently referred to me as a “feather in a tornado,” and honestly, that was incredibly accurate.  

Throughout this process, I learned a great deal about myself, humans in general, and honestly, how to create a kick-ass life. I wouldn’t change any of it. The tools and skills I’ve gathered and the awareness I’ve developed have been life-changing, so much so that I’ve made it my life’s mission to help others find their inner greatness. But as a practice on its own, this endless pursuit of “better” felt incomplete. I was stuck on a transformation treadmill. I was endlessly building, but something was missing. 

Why did it feel like a craving that would never be satisfied? In the words of the very wise Mark Manson:

“Isn’t the aim of self-improvement to get to a point where you no longer need to improve?”  

When I finally stopped long enough to take a breath and look around, I had the breakthrough that changed everything for me. I realized that I was coming from a place not about improvement or growth but all about fixing.  I had this belief that I needed to repair broken parts of me, that parts of me were damaged. I felt like I needed to change certain aspects of who I was. I fixated on what was missing, not what was present. 

No matter what I learned, how I succeeded, or what I accomplished, it never felt like it was enough because deep down, I felt that I wasn’t enough.  

And there it was, the root cause, the core belief, the deep truth. The heavens opened up, and the angels started to sing. Until I honored that I was good enough NOW, that I was perfectly imperfect today, that I loved and accepted myself and all my gifts, quirks, and scars equally, no amount of self-improvement would ever make me feel whole and fulfilled. 

You don’t need more tools; you need more compassion. 

We put pressures and expectations on ourselves that we would never place on another human being. When your bestie calls you and she’s having a crap day because she did something stupid, do you answer her by saying, well, of course, you did, you’re an idiot, what do you expect?  No, you don’t; you listen, you have a great laugh, and then you move on. You offer compassion and support without judgment. When you need your own compassion and support; how do you show up for yourself? Don’t you deserve the same compassion and non-judgmental support you give to your loved ones? Remember, your inner child hears your thoughts. Is that really how you want to speak to her?

Give yourself a break for being human.  

I’ve made my share of mistakes; we all have. I’ve been deeply hurt, and I’ve also been the one doing the hurting. It’s simply the human experience. Learn from it, forgive yourself, and decide not to do it again. The problem with beating the shit out of yourself is that you’re so busy being right about the fact that you aren’t doing enough that you miss the great things you are doing. We all have cracks, and we all have scars. You can plaster over your so-called cracks all you want, but until you love and accept every piece of who you are and the experiences that shaped you, you will struggle.  Think of your life like a puzzle that you’re putting together. There are many pieces spread out on the table, and each one represents an aspect of your whole self. You can’t pick and choose which of the pieces you want to include; they all belong. If you leave pieces out, you’ll never have a complete picture. Each piece has its place in the beautiful puzzle that is your life.  

True self-love and acceptance is not something that you go seeking outside of yourself.  It’s not somewhere out there. It’s not the next success, a better job, a better relationship, or the next achievement. It’s within, and that’s where you need to cultivate it. It’s not a place in your future; it’s inside of you right now. It’s not a gift that someone else gives you; it’s the greatest gift you will ever give yourself.  Until you accept that you are enough, you will exhaust yourself trying to fill your cup from external sources.  

Self-Acceptance is the crucial ingredient to long-term success in any behavior change. Why? Because your behavior and your identity need to be aligned to maintain any kind of long-term success. If the behavior you are trying to shift is incongruent with your view of yourself, it won’t last. Think about it; if you’re trying to create an extraordinary life while at the same time believing you don’t deserve it, there is going to be friction. For example, if you set a goal to run a 5k, and yet you believe that you’re not a runner, your identity and goal are out of alignment. If you want to increase your chances of successfully crossing that finish line, you need to OWN the fact that you deserve to achieve that goal, and second, you need to see yourself as the badass athlete you are.  If you seek to achieve something that, deep down, you don’t believe you deserve, you will end up sabotaging yourself every time.

“Accept yourself. Love yourself as you are. Your finest work, your best movements, your joy, peace, and healing comes when you love yourself. You give a great gift to the world when you do that. You give others permission to do the same: to love themselves. Revel in self-love. Roll in it. Bask in it as you would sunshine.” ~Melodie Beattie

Bask in the magnificent beauty that you ARE!!

Learning to accept and love myself has been a process, and it’s something that I continue to cultivate daily. I didn’t just wake up one day to rainbows and unicorn glitter. I made a decision to commit to myself, love myself and accept myself because I am worthy and I deserve it. There’s been ups and downs, and I still struggle at times, but that’s all part of being human. I’ve learned a few things on my journey so far, and I thought I would share a few ideas. Try one, try them all, try what feels right for you or try something completely different, but here are a few of the tools and processes that I found useful.  

Celebrate yourself! – You set goals, you achieve them, you barely give them a thought because you’re already moving toward the next destination. Or, you set a goal, bust your ass to achieve it, but refuse to acknowledge your success until you complete the said goal. You tie your happiness to the end result, not to the work you did getting there. Achieving your goal might not be entirely within your control, but the effort you put into getting there is.   When your joy comes from the process and not the result, you will always win, regardless of the outcome.  I was recently listening to Alan Watts, and he was discussing life as a journey and not a goal. “The whole point of dancing is the dance.” It’s never about the end of the dance. Don’t miss the dance because you’re already at the end.

Forgiveness – “Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner.” ~Jack Kornfield. Forgiveness is not about condoning someone else’s actions or behaviors; it’s about letting go of the hold it has on you. Buddha once said, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Resentment, guilt, and shame create a self-imposed prison. One to which you alone hold the key.  The most important forgiveness you will ever offer will be to yourself.  Accept your past, learn from it, then let that shit go. Stop with the “what ifs.” One of my favorite quotes by Peter Crone is this: “It couldn’t have been any other way. Why? Because it wasn’t.” Give yourself the gift of freedom, you deserve it!

Gratitude – Feel it, get lost in it. Gratitude makes you happier. Seriously, science backs me up on this one. Gratitude brings you to a space of focusing on goodness, and can’t we all use more of that? You can’t feel stress and gratitude at the same time.  Pausing to reflect on what you’re thankful for is a great way to shift your mindset when you feel yourself going to the dark side. Put one hand on your heart and the other one on your belly, inhale what you’re grateful for, and exhale your stress. You get bonus points if you share your gratitude. Reach out to someone you’re thankful for and let them know. Expressing gratitude is a win, win endeavor. You feel good, they feel good, and your little corner of the world just got a little brighter.  

Presence – The past is history, and the future is simply an idea, a concept. You don’t live outside the present moment, and yet your thoughts will bounce back and forth between the past and the future like a ping pong ball. Your life is happening in the present moment, don’t miss it. Your life is right here, right now. Look around, see it, hear it, feel it. When you are grounded in the present moment, you’re not obsessed about the future or ruminating on the past; you’re able to see and feel your life as it is actually happening.  Allowing yourself to disconnect and be present in the now is a beautiful gift. Not only to you but your friends and family as well.  

Meditation – I can feel the eye rolls, I fought this one too, but it was probably the most profound practice and habit that I created for myself.  Meditation is a place to come where you can see what is going on deep inside of you.  Meditation meets you exactly where you are and accepts you without judgment. When you quiet the nonstop chatter in your brain, you can hear what your heart and soul have to say. It’s in these quiet places that you will really get to know who you are. 

Ask for help – There is no shame in seeking support. My journey recently took me down a road I wasn’t prepared for. I uncovered some wounds and patterns bigger than what I could deal with, so I found an incredible therapist to help me. That was one of the best decisions I ever made. She’s guided me in making sense of issues I’ve been carrying around my entire adult life, and she helped me see myself beyond my past and my scars. It takes courage to admit that we don’t have all of the answers.  Maybe your support is a therapist or a coach, or maybe it’s a friend or family member. We weren’t put here to travel alone. Ask, and you shall receive.

Have Fun! – Do more things that light you up!  Live for the moments that you can’t put into words.  Laugh until your belly hurts. Then laugh some more. You deserve joy and happiness! Get out in nature, watch the sunrise, have a dance party, sing in the shower, play games, be silly. What does that look like for you? Nurture your inner child and let her out to play!  

In summary, Love your damn self. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Surrender the belief that any part of you is unworthy. Let go of the critical internal chatter and the voices of doubt, guilt, and shame. Self-acceptance is a muscle. You don’t just call it in once, and you’re done. It’s a practice and a habit. It’s intentional, do it every day. When faced with decisions or challenges, ask yourself, “If I really loved myself, what would I do?” Then do it. Practice, rinse, repeat.  

Self-Acceptance and Self-improvement create a beautiful partnership. They go together like cupcakes and icing.  When you start from a place of love and acceptance, you will grow, learn, and achieve all while being at peace with yourself. You will become radiant, resilient, and invincible. Embrace your growth and expansion and accept that you are good enough right now. You can be both a work of art and a work in progress. You can seek an extraordinary life while being in love with who you are now. And who you are now is beautiful!! Don’t ever forget it!!

Thanks so much for stopping by and spending some time with me. I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, comments. Drop a comment below, and make sure you leave your email address if you want to be the first to know about future releases and events. Some cool things are coming up in the new year!!  

Peace, love, and hugs!